Committing to commitment

During my undergraduate studies, I took the second best academic course that exists on the planet. It was an English Literature course, the subject of which was entirely Jane Austen. I got academic credit to read about Emma’s matchmaking, Fanny’s steadfastness, Elizabeth’s prejudice and Mr. Darcy’s pride. This course was second only to the English Literature course I took on Science Fiction and Fantasy novels. I often reflect on the fact that I could have completed an entire degree in English Literature…aka a degree in my own personal happiness. It is perhaps one of my life’s greatest regrets. But then, of course, I am rather happy to be gainfully employed, which I can’t say would be the case if I had done a degree in literary happiness.

Though Austen’s novels often contain heartbreak and scandal, they are the rom coms of the 1800s, with romantic picture-perfect endings. It is no wonder they have been beloved by women (and I’m sure some men too, though they won’t be too vocal in admitting it) for the last 200 years.

One cannot reflect on Jane Austen without also reflecting on love.

The professor of the class was a quirky academic in her 40s. I vividly remember a lecture during which she delivered a seeming soliloquy asking what became of Austen’s beloved couples when the final chapters ended. Were they loves that would endure? Were their foundations solid? She questioned what factors allowed some romantic relationships to stand the test of time and others to crumble. She spoke about her own parents’ 30 + year marriage. To her, their relationship was a mystery. She said the only characteristic she had ever been able to identify in their marriage that truly made it work was what she called “a commitment to commitment”.

Once she had planted this idea in my mind, it began to root and I began to identify it all around me. I saw it in my parents’ relationships, in the relationships of my aunts and uncles. An enduring relationship endures because we dedicate ourselves to its endurance.

We hope for shared interests, some commonality in sense of humour, similar values. But those things are not enough and I would argue not the distinguishing factors in the relationships that ‘make it’. I don’t think its magic, the existence of soul mates, finishing each others’ sentences, etc that makes something last. The people who stay together are committed to commitment. I think that’s all there is to it.

If it’s so simple, why doesn’t everybody just stay together? Because being committed to commitment isn’t easy. And one person being committed to commitment isn’t enough. The trick is to find another person who will do it with you. Forever. There’s a little Ben Harper, “Forever” for you right here:

ust because it might be difficult doesn’t mean it isn’t simple. You haven’t failed until you’ve given up. So if you both decide that failure is not an option, you CAN’T fail. It’s not possible. J

So how do you know if someone is committed to commitment? I have been so focused on finding someone who checks everything off on the list, that I have neglected to pay attention to the most important element of an enduring relationship; this person needs to have a ‘failure is not an option’ attitude.

So now I find myself looking for commitment to commitment everywhere. I am listening for times in the past when he gave up versus endured. I am watching his relationships with his friends during difficult times. I am listening to his opinions on his friends’ relationship problems. I am detectiving so hard (I want credit on that one, Oxford Dictionary).

There are lots of examples of great loves that are not enduring. They burn hot and they burn out. I’m still trying to figure out how to know if this guy will simmer with me for the long haul or head for the hills when he gets bored or frustrated. I’m looking for his commitment to commitment.