How many times have you heard the phrase, “when you meet the right person, you’ll just know”?
I’ve heard it SO MANY times. And every time, I feel enraged. What an incredible oversimplification. Humans are infinitely emotionally intricate.
It is absolutely ridiculous to think that you could know after spending a few hours with someone that you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIVES together. It is absurd to think that it doesn’t take months, if not years, to know someone sufficiently to make a decision to be with them FOREVER.
Nothing is black and white. Literally nothing is…except for the colours ‘black’ and ‘white’…shades? Some elementary school art teacher would be upset with me for that comment, I’m sure.
I have always been skeptical about the idea that relationships are static – that two people just fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces. Our edges are moving and changing. It must take time sitting next to each other on the table to see if we will settle in a position that keeps us locked together. I don’t like the idea of soul mates…I think because it leaves too much to chance, and I need to be in control. I also recognize that I spent a long time with Geek, never feeling like the relationship was quite right, and convincing myself that “right” didn’t actually exist. I thought that with enough hard work, I could create “right”. And it’s not to say that relationships aren’t work…its just that what I was doing, wasn’t the right kind of work.
And so I have always been politely dismissive of these “you’ll just know” people; the YJK people are deluding themselves.
This is the exact argument I would have made 3 months ago, before I met Bones. And now I firmly disagree with everything above. Because I just know. This is it. This is going to work. This guy is the one. And I knew after the second date.
I don’t wear a lot of hats, but I promise to eat one if I’m wrong. But I truly don’t believe I’m going to be eating any felt (because obviously if I’m eating a hat, it will be a felt one. I googled and found the most appetizing hat image – posted above). My rational brain is skeptical, but my emotional brain isn’t. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. But no shoe-sounds from above. I think this man might only have one shoe.
When you finally actually know what you’re looking for, you know when you find it.
Of course I’m infatuated; it has only been 3 months. But this feels different than anything has ever felt before. It itches of longevity. Of course, I have heard myriad people say “you’ll just know” before, and not believed them. So let me attempt to explain what it is about Bones that feels different (of course I would take something highly emotional and attempt to codify it):
1. He’s not finding himself anymore. He has a clear sense of who he is and what he wants in life. He is a solid, stable, independent unit and I am an autonomous unit with him. There are so many 30 year old men who are still having identity crises. “Maybe I’ll quit my job and move to a beach in Thailand to become a yoga instructor”. Yeah – I’m sure your skills as a lawyer will be highly transferrable there. PS it’s good you’ve spent all of this money and time training. Ick.
2. He’s not afraid of commitment. He was able to clearly state up front that he’s looking for someone to settle down with, that he wants to get married, and that he wants to have kids. His friends are doing it, so it doesn’t seem to scare or intimidate him. His timelines for doing these things are in line with mine ( So many guys I know are totally fine with having kids hypothetically ‘in 10 years or something’…because who cares about science telling us that babies born to women in their 40s have higher rates of EVERYTHING we’d rather they didn’t have).
3. There are no games. He is clear and direct in what he says. He’s interested in me and clear in his intentions. When he is free, he asks me to make plans. He’s not dating other people to hedge his bets. He’s “in” and clear about it.
4. Our values are very much in line. We discussed big issues early – religion, gender roles, thoughts on controversial topics, where we would be comfortable living, finances, etc. We don’t agree on everything we discuss, in fact there are lively debates, but not about the big stuff. The big stuff lines up.
4. It has never felt gimmicky. I have been on a lot of dates where it feels like we’re both trying too hard. I have been taken to fancy restaurants. There have been boat cruises and walks through museums and aquariums. There have been suits and ties and surprise concerts and sweet/thoughtful gifts. And it’s not to say I don’t like fancy things and fun outings. Bones cleans up good (I recognize the grammatical failing in that sentence, but it just has to be that way. Sorry). But ultimately I have been looking for someone to go running, cook dinner and sit on the couch with in my PJs watching Jon Stewart. I feel comfortable with him in my sweatpants and slippers. He is comfortable.
5. He’s loyal. He sees his friends and family. He calls and texts them regularly. He is forgiving of their faults. He has had many of his friends since childhood. He has good friends with whom he makes regular plans and goes on vacations. This is important because I need my annual trips with my friends, and I know he understands this.
6. He is focused on his career and has complete understanding of my focus. It helps that we come from the same work world. He gets the dedication required. He’s not intimidated by what I do.
7. I don’t find him exhausting. This is a given, right? But I have dated a few guys who I have just found emotionally exhausting. There was constant texting and constant reading between the lines, and constant manoeuvring. Bones is easy.
8. I feel good about myself around him. I don’t feel like I’m needing to be anyone other than who I am. He nerds out right along with me. This is the man who, when I couldn’t find the entrance to his building (it was under construction), told me to grab a shopping cart and come through the wall.
9. He recognizes the importance of meeting my friends and making an effort with them. He showered, he shaved, he dressed appropriately, he shook their hands, he made small talk, and he did all of this after a 15-hour day of work. He knows it matters that my people like him.
10. There is strong physical attraction. I’m not sure this needs elaboration. But DAMN. 🙂
I still don’t believe in soul mates. There is no magic here. But there is something like intense compatibility. And intense compatibility feels solid to me. I would bet on intense compatibility.
Maybe it will all fall apart. But if it does, the bar has been set in an entirely new stratosphere. And I just don’t think it’s going to fall apart. I am in. And he is giving me every indication that he is too.