So tinder. I downloaded the app. And it’s fun. Really fun. I feel ruthless and I love it.
I’m doing it despite my fears of labels of promiscuity. My friend Cody is on Tinder and has met some really nice girls. The other day he showed me how he had been matched with a friend of mine from school. She’s legit and I figured if she’s on Tinder, I can be too.
So here’s a little lesson on how Tinder works if you’ve been like me and shied away from it, worried about your reputation:
Tinder is entirely superficial. It pulls some photos from Facebook. You have the option to write a little blurb about yourself where I’ve noticed a lot of guys put their height (which I appreciate because of my heightist tendencies). But most blurbs are basically blank. If you like the look of a photo you swipe right. If the person also swipes right, you’re matched and have the option to chat. You swipe left to reject.
It is entirely based on looks. This was a difficult adjustment after reading profile after profile on my online dating site. Tinder is a visual catalogue of people, which is sort of a strange notion. But it sort of makes sense. Some people make relationships work when they’re not attracted to one another. But I don’t think I am (or want to be) that person. In the real world, attraction matters. This is just a more simplified version of the real world.
I’ve been doing a lot of ruthless swiping left. At first I felt bad about it – it made me feel horribly superficial. But a friend pointed out that we do the same thing in a bar. We don’t even approach the people we don’t find attractive. It’s not really that much different than the real world, except that the rejection hurts less because it’s quieter. If someone doesn’t right swipe you, you just never get matched. It’s subtle. Now I challenge myself to see how many I can swipe left in 30 seconds. It’s a lot – something like 15 if there are a couple of “maybes” who I check out.
The half-naked-bathroom-mirror-selfie while you brush your teeth is an automatic left swipe. The man whose picture is a guy sucking on a woman’s toes is also cut, although reluctantly because he was offering foot massages, and I like those. I have yet to receive a dick-pic, though I have been assured by Triad (who now has the house and the job and is just looking for the man) that they are on there.
Jacon is also on Tinder so collectively we made a list of ways that a man will find himself swiped left…hard.
– Man with his car or motorcycle = cut
– Man with no picture = cut (what are you hiding?)
– Mirror selfie of any sort, particularly shirtless = cut (don’t you have friends to take your picture??)
– Man with gun/weapon = cut
– Making a hand symbol of any sort, but particularly gang symbols or rude gestures = cut (I would maybe make an exception for peace signs, but only Asian men make peace signs and they’re mostly getting cut already because I’m heightist)
– Hammered with your friends = cut
– Serious faces ie no smiling photo = cut
– Tiny patches of facial hair = cut (eeeew)
– Cigarette In hand = cut (ain’t nobody got time for that)
– any sort of comment about just wanting to hook up or being DTF (which I have discovered means “down to f***).
On the contrary there are a few rare, but automatic yesses:
– A cute picture of a dog – Cody swipes right just to talk to people about their cute dogs. I did this recently for a man whose profile picture is a golden retriever wearing sunglasses and an aviation hat.
– An awesome costume or cheesy photo – extra points if it’s sci-fi related.
– An awesomely witty comment or joke.
The first man I talked to on Tinder, we’ll call him (M)adman opened by telling me he was drinking tea (awesome) and then began discussing Game of Thrones. He said he had read the Harry Potter series numerous times and then sent me a picture of his bookshelf, which looks identical to mine. I asked the obligatory Star Wars versus Star Trek question and he gave the right answer (haters gonna hate, but Jean-Luc could take Han Solo any day). Basically I was shocked that anybody so cool was on Tinder. So I gave him my number.
On the contrary I talked to a guy who told me he volunteers and works out and then asked for my number after 3 texts. He got cut. Listen people, it may be Tinder, but I’m convinced there are legit people on there if you take the time to screen for them. I’m not just giving out my number to any Tom, Dick or Harry. As Britney would say, you better work, B****.
I met (M)admen for coffee and I liked him. He’s cute and fun and smart and tall and totally got my cheesy puns and sci fi related jokes. He also doesn’t just seem to be looking to hook up. So Tinder, I don’t think you’re so bad. That being said, I’m keeping the M in his name until I figure out that he’s not a serial killer…because on Tinder, who knows.
I’m going to see (M)admen again. I just have to fit him in amongst my other dates. I’ve had 3 this week and I’m tired, but more about that soon…
The Single Serial Monogamist 